Saturday, June 5, 2010

How I Didn't Meet Your Mother

Year 2035.
Kids I have wasted last 5 years of your life telling about your fictional uncle Barney, extremely fictional Aunt Robin. Uncle Marshal, though, was not fictional but for every Uncle Marshal I had, there was one Aunt Lily who hated me so much that I have 19 restraining orders against my name till date. 
Today I will tell you how I didn't meet your mother. This has to do with your father's upbringing. Don't get excited yet, because just like past five years, here also I will tell you nothing even remotely relevant to your mother.

Back in 1990's there was no internet. Your father was going through a changing time in his life and he had many questions. All he got was Grihashobha, Sarita and occasionally, Mayapuri, courtesy monthly visit to the barber shop. The only thing that came to his rescue was Bollywood, the answers of his every and basic queries!

In those days, bollywood never said anything out loud but very subtly used to give all the answers I required. It was during those times when I saw a movie named Andaaz. It was made by a visionary called David Dhawan who dreamt of India as a free country, where knowledge would have no boundaries. His later master piece was "Sarkai Leo Khatiya"
Now, Andaaz was a movie way ahead of its time, it dealt with secret school girl fantasies that you might find some where in my hard disc. There are a lot of similar asian movies made by amature film makers, but this one was one hell of a main stream movie. The movie also had some villains and violence, but I will not go there knowing how impressionable the mind is at your age.
The story is about a school girl, Karishma Kapoor, obsessing with his handsomely mustached teacher, Anil Kapoor. She dresses in short skirts and writes suggestive messages for him. She even dreams about a song which involved lot of pelvic thrusts and hip grinding. The honest, innocent teacher starts worrying, not about sex with a minor, but about his reputation and potential job loss. He takes a leave of one day and comes back with a wife, Juhi Chawla, who by all accounts had zero knowledge about birds and bees. So she has to be given some lessons in Sex 101, and look how she responded!
Since the school kid was still obsessed by the teacher, she offers him a threesome chance (well not exactly, but that's how I remember the story). The wifey, now all too smart, becomes upset and banishes the husband from the house.
Now kids at that time your dad didn't know what are the after-effects of banishment, all he thought was the husband will not get home cooked food for some days. The director came to the rescue and taught me what the banishment actually meant. I still consider David Dhawan to be my first teacher, who taught me so much just at the age of 11.
At this point in the movie, the villains enter and do some bad things. In the end, the poor school girl dies, with a dream of threesome in her eyes. The now smart wifey suggests that the closest they can get to a threesome now was to make her husband put a MangalSootra aorund the dying girl's neck. Her wish was fulfilled!
So kids now you will wonder how this is related to your mother! Actually after watching this movie, I made a notion in my mind that school/college girls only desire:
a) Teachers
b) Handsome men with mustache
c) Guys who can carry off a leather jacket while thrusting their pelvis in the air
d) All of the above
Since I fell into neither of these categories, I decided to study hard and make sure that I go to a college where the probability of interaction with a girl was a statistician's delight. That's how I didn't meet your mother. Some day I will tell you more about my other paranoias.