Saturday, June 5, 2010

How I Didn't Meet Your Mother

Year 2035.
Kids I have wasted last 5 years of your life telling about your fictional uncle Barney, extremely fictional Aunt Robin. Uncle Marshal, though, was not fictional but for every Uncle Marshal I had, there was one Aunt Lily who hated me so much that I have 19 restraining orders against my name till date. 
Today I will tell you how I didn't meet your mother. This has to do with your father's upbringing. Don't get excited yet, because just like past five years, here also I will tell you nothing even remotely relevant to your mother.

Back in 1990's there was no internet. Your father was going through a changing time in his life and he had many questions. All he got was Grihashobha, Sarita and occasionally, Mayapuri, courtesy monthly visit to the barber shop. The only thing that came to his rescue was Bollywood, the answers of his every and basic queries!

In those days, bollywood never said anything out loud but very subtly used to give all the answers I required. It was during those times when I saw a movie named Andaaz. It was made by a visionary called David Dhawan who dreamt of India as a free country, where knowledge would have no boundaries. His later master piece was "Sarkai Leo Khatiya"
Now, Andaaz was a movie way ahead of its time, it dealt with secret school girl fantasies that you might find some where in my hard disc. There are a lot of similar asian movies made by amature film makers, but this one was one hell of a main stream movie. The movie also had some villains and violence, but I will not go there knowing how impressionable the mind is at your age.
The story is about a school girl, Karishma Kapoor, obsessing with his handsomely mustached teacher, Anil Kapoor. She dresses in short skirts and writes suggestive messages for him. She even dreams about a song which involved lot of pelvic thrusts and hip grinding. The honest, innocent teacher starts worrying, not about sex with a minor, but about his reputation and potential job loss. He takes a leave of one day and comes back with a wife, Juhi Chawla, who by all accounts had zero knowledge about birds and bees. So she has to be given some lessons in Sex 101, and look how she responded!
Since the school kid was still obsessed by the teacher, she offers him a threesome chance (well not exactly, but that's how I remember the story). The wifey, now all too smart, becomes upset and banishes the husband from the house.
Now kids at that time your dad didn't know what are the after-effects of banishment, all he thought was the husband will not get home cooked food for some days. The director came to the rescue and taught me what the banishment actually meant. I still consider David Dhawan to be my first teacher, who taught me so much just at the age of 11.
At this point in the movie, the villains enter and do some bad things. In the end, the poor school girl dies, with a dream of threesome in her eyes. The now smart wifey suggests that the closest they can get to a threesome now was to make her husband put a MangalSootra aorund the dying girl's neck. Her wish was fulfilled!
So kids now you will wonder how this is related to your mother! Actually after watching this movie, I made a notion in my mind that school/college girls only desire:
a) Teachers
b) Handsome men with mustache
c) Guys who can carry off a leather jacket while thrusting their pelvis in the air
d) All of the above
Since I fell into neither of these categories, I decided to study hard and make sure that I go to a college where the probability of interaction with a girl was a statistician's delight. That's how I didn't meet your mother. Some day I will tell you more about my other paranoias.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Who Stole Dhoni's Phone?

In an interesting turn of events, Angad Bedi has been charged with stealing CSK's captain Mahinder Singh Dhoni's phone. He was found taking interviews on his new phone. According to reports Angad had to resort to phone interviews as people complained about his sheepish grin which accompanied his stupid questions. The phone grabbed the attention only when Mr. Bedi started mouthing features of the phone just like Dhoni. It is to be noted that Angad is paying out of his pocket to be on the show and how is he able to afford such a phone raised eyebrows of CSK and SET Max owners.

Sources close to Angad told that it is a conspiracy to defame the rising star. "He is the next Mandira", quipped one of Angad's friend. It is been said that the above mentioned phone was thrown at Angad  by Parthiv Patel when he approached him for an interview. Parthiv has earlier been accused of throwing a mike at Arnab Goswami and throwing a glass of water on Sagarika Ghose. Parthiv commented that all these were acts of self defense

On being questioned, Angad's close friend, Lakshman Shiv Ramakrishnan responded "Do you know how demeaning his job is? He has to interview failed stars, fat owners and even Jazzy B, and poor boy can't call somebody for help as he can't even afford a phone"
LSR added, "Along with doing interviews of "stars", poor guy also has to give facial to Samir Kochhar every half an hour and has to trim Arun Lal's facial hair every two days. The day he refused to shave Gaurav Kapur was the day when he was charged with theft." It was later found out the LSR has a habit of referring to himself in third person.

DD captain, known for his frank opinions commented, "Why is Dhoni so upset about losing a phone, he can buy a new one just from the income of one strategic timeout?". He chose not to comment on why he shares his mobile phone with Sehwag inspite of earning half as much as Dhoni.

Meanwhile India TV has backtracked its breaking news "Kya Dhoni ka mobile Adrashya ho jata hai" and replaced it with, "Hogaya Pardafash, Chor Nacha Maidan Me". A file photo of Angad with Jazzy B was shown every 3rd minute to confirm the story.

In another development, Celina Jaitely has welcomed how this IPL has stood up for the gay rights. She pointed out the Karbonn Kamal ad where two leading cricketers share one mobile phone. She said that it is very deep and symbolic. She also pointed out to the Nivea Men ad where Shahid says "Main roz din me ek minute Nivea Men lagata hu". She said although the ad is too much in your face but still every small step counts, even if it lasts only for one minute. She categorically denied commenting about L.Shivramakrishnan's thighs and asked us to contact Danny Morrsion for further input. She also said how the blimp was symbolic to something but nothing could be heard as people ran for cover seeing Shivamani enter the stadium.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Players To Watch Out For In IPL 3

With IPL round the corner, few million eye balls will be glued to television for 45 days but who has the time and energy to follow each and every player so that their daily quota of entertainment remained fulfilled. I have decided to do a public service in order to separate wheat from the chaff. Here come a list of player you must watch out for in this season of IPL
1.Ajit Agarkar
Team:  KKR
Playing Role: Allrounder. Can snatch defeat from jaws of victory by his bowling as well as powerless hitting
Strength: Lethal short pitch yorkers.
Description: The ball pitches at 115 Kmph on 11th yard and makes a gentle loop towards batsman's boots. Only two outcomes are possible.
Unnecessary trivia1: Statistics show that since 1998 only 3 kids have been named Ajit
Unnecessary trivia2: Google images suggests to search for his wife when user searches for his name
Unnecessary gossip: Report have emerged that Musli Power Plus has been after SRK to let them use Agarkar in their ads of "before and after". They are planning to use Chris Gayle's picture as their "after" guy.

2. S Sreesanth
Team: KXIP
Playing Role: Entertainer
Strength: Wide short pitch yorker
Description: A variation of Agarkar's delivery which goes wide of batsman's boot after pitching short.
Unnecessary trivia: He doesn't date upcoming actress or publicity hungry models
Unnecessary gossip: He wants Shiamak Davar as India's coach

3.Wridhiman Saha
Team: KKR
Playing role: Batsman/Bowler/Wicketkeeper/Selector. His good luck can injure all the 11 players and then he can play any role he wishes too.
Strength: His looks
Description: His baboon-ish looks can scare any bowler amidst a lush green outfield.
Unnecessary trivia: He is the first pure batsman to make an unwanted debut for India since Vikram Rathore made his debut in 1995.
Unnecessary gossip: It is said that Rohit Sharma did not play the first test against SA due to mental trauma as opposed to injury reported in media. Reports say that it was caused when Saha played a prank on him and wore fur coat and jumped on his bed.

4. Swapnil Asnodkar
Team: RR
Playing Role: Runner for injured players
Strength: Running between the wickets
Description: His backfoot stance and freakishly short legs amuse fielders so much that they stop to watch him run instead of throwing the ball at the stumps.
Unnecessary trivia: Goa government is a planning marathon in his honor.
Unnecessary gossip: He was reportedly asked to model for Complan

5. Joginder Sharma
Team: CSK
Playing role: Match maker
Strength: He can turn match anyway with his all-round abilities.
Description: Proven match maker, made a match of the T20 WC final by bowling 4 extremely poor deliveries and taking wicket on one such.
Unnecessary trivia: He is just 26!
Unnecessary gossip: Rumor is that he works as a part time tailor and a barber in Haryana. Probably these rumors are based on his rugged looks

6. S Sriram
Team: RCB
Playing role: Sheet Anchor
Strength: Can hold his breath under water for more than 10 minutes.
Description: Indian team actually tried to drown him in Bangladesh once. He returned to score a breathtaking half century at amazing strike rate of 60 against an attack consisting of Tapash Baisya and Khaled Mahmud
Unnecessary trivia: His bowling economy is better than Srisanth's
Unnecessary gossip: Rumors float that he will be opening the innings for RCB in IPL3. Source for this rumor has been attributed to the man himself.

Sadly teams have removed many such players from their payroll who were once a part of IPL1. Hopefully I will post about the players I am missing in my next post.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Few worst ads of recent times

Few ads which make me scream WTF from the moment the air.
1. JK Super Cement: Seriously guys what is it? A girl in one piece bikini walks out of pool and the voice over says "Vishwas hai, isme kuch khaas hai" Is there some sort of pun which I am not getting because this bikini girl and cement are in no way related, or this ad was intended to be for JK's Super Semen instead?

2. Imagine you are going out of station for few days, and your good friend doesn't forget to mention that "dude you might die". In olden times we just used to say "have a safe journey." By the way the "good" friend seemed more interested in his wishes-to-be-dead friend's wife. Also who in the world says these lines "Yaar sir jhuka ke kyo baitha hai, sir utha ke ji".

3. This one is supposed to be funny, new age commercial. Instead it comes out to be corny and cheap somehow. Boy visiting a girl's "farm" and she impressing her with her "melons", seriously that's the best you could come up for a gaming site?

4.This ad featuring Delhi daredevils is so unintentionally funny that I couldn't stop myself from laughing every time I see it. Credit to Viru who tried to act his skin out. "Tune to zindagi ki baazi maar li" :)

There are couple more, one in which Fardeen Khan nearly gave his dad a lap dance for Pan Bahar(sadly its not on Youtube anymore) and other being a jet pilot trusting his fighter jet in the sky and somehow relates it to the mobile he uses.
I believe these are not the only ones, add more and if you can't find any, IPL is round the corner, trust it to fetch some really annoying commercials for you.

Edit: The mobile-jet ad is for Lemon mobile. Finally saw the full version. Interestingly the guy first compares the cell to his girlfriend and then to jet. Is there something I am missing? (Link thanks to Abhinav)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A hate letter by a Cigarette

Dear Quitter,
Remember me? Of course you do! You can't take your eyes off me even now and still you can do nothing. You shameless prick! You have changed but I haven't. This letter is not for you to take me back but to remind you of the good times that you are missing.
I was once the only part of your life when you felt truly relaxed. I was there with you when you were depressed, there when you were celebratory and also there when you had nothing else to do. I was the first thing that you looked for when you woke up and was, most of the time, the last thing you held when you tried to sleep.
I remember the times when you used to say that your mornings were incomplete without me and the times when you walked in the middle of the night to search for me. I tolerated your every mood, even when you bared me and made me into a joint. Still what gave you the happiness, gave me pleasure.
People used to say a lot a stuff about me but it never changed your affection towards me. Not even when I was called a cheap slut who can give you life threatening diseases. I remember you used to say "Its not cheap anymore"
Then things started to change one day, the day when you brought that bitch into your life. I could see just from her expressions, she hated me. She didn't like the fact that I was always closer to your heart. Its not that you didn't try. You tried to patch things between her and me and have a threesome, but some things are just not meant to be. Please inform her that if she doesn't enjoy me, it is not due to some problem with me, it is because she is doing it wrong.
Then started our secret meetings. At that time also I didn't mind being the other person in your life. Sadly, like all other secrets of life, this secret was also disclosed one day. That started the trend of our "one last meetings". You used to hold me like you really believed that you will never hold me again and I also tried to give you full pleasure till I lasted.
Then came the day when we were caught red handed. I was too happy that for once you will face the reality and show some balls, but you caved in.
Its been so many months since then, you have even married that ignorant bitch now! Nowadays whenever you find some other person holding me, I can see the twitch in your eyes but then you seem to show that you have moved on.
You are not the first person that has left me, but unlike many, you have left me not with your will but under pressure from a certain other, whom you knew for just few weeks. For once I hoped that you could have been man enough and told her that leaving me is your decision not hers.
With me gone I always think how do you face your dear friends Peggu and Beeru? Or have you ditched them too? Please if you are planning to leave them too then, for once, be a man and quit by yourself without taking orders from the high command.

Yours lovingly,

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Save the IITians - An Airtel Initiative

In a bid to out wit the rival telecom provider Aircel, Airtel has started the initiative Save the IITians.
Speaking to the media, the Airtel spokesperson said
"It is about creating awareness that IITians, like other living beings, need mates too. Their prime years are wasted looking for their prospective mates in the virtual world"
On asked about whether this initiative is in response to Aircel's Save the Tigers initiative, he said
"No, we are dealing with a bigger cause here. Look there were a million Tigers a century ago and now there are 1000 left. How has our life degraded? Infact our life is better. I bet you couldn't have enjoyed upto 16Mbps speed a century ago on any network."
"Also with 1000 Tigers, they still have 1:3 male female ratio. Look at poor IITians, there is 1:20 male: non male ratio. Lets not even go into the male female ratio category. These guys are the future of the nation. If they don't get prospective mates now, I believe the great IIT gene pool will end for ever"

Its been heard that they have roped in famous cricketers like Rajesh Chauahan and VenkatPati Raju as the brand ambassadors. Airtel hasn't provided any reason for such choice
To create awareness about the horrible situation IITians are living in, plans are on to put flexes around the cities featuring IIT girls in their various moods. Local government has requested to avoid putting such flexes around schools, parks and hospitals so that people with weak heart don't get scared. Permission to put flexes with whole batch of IIT girls is still pending with law enforcement agencies.
Famous social activist, Suheil Seth commented on Times Now, " I believe that this issue deals with whole country and whole world as such and we can not tolerate such inhuman behavior against a certain section of society"
On another question regarding the recent Naxal attacks, Mr. Seth added  " I believe that this issue deals with whole country and whole world as such and we can not tolerate such inhuman behavior against a certain section of society"

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Decade Awards

I know its a bit late for a decade review but who am I kidding, I know no one was waiting for it. So here they are:

Humanitarian of the decade: Ashmit Patel for showing us what we have been dreaming since those cute Liril ad days. Ashmit, you may never win an actual award but you surely have reserved a place in heaven.

Special mention
: Mani Shankar for letting us see much more of Nandana Sen than it was expected in a war movie.

Anti-Humanitarian of the decade: Former health minister Ramdas thanks to whom I can't have simple pleasure of smoking and drinking at the same time in a pub.

Special Mention
: The guys who banned Savita Bhabhi. May you guys never get an erection

Too much information of the decade: Anil Kapoor for showing his man breast in Tashan.

Special Mention: Shamita Shetty showing why going commando at a public event is not such a good idea.

Fresh face of the decade: Who other than KRK?

Numerous people came and went away (some like Tusshar Kapoor are still lurking somewhere) but this daisy fresh face will remain etched in memories for next 5 decades.

Special Mention
: Tusshar Kapoor, Bruce Mcgain, Jaya Sawant (Rakhi ki maa)

Have-Been-There-Since-Ages award: Just like past 200 decades, this decade also the award goes to AK Hangal. To the ignorant, this decade also we were blessed with his undying presence in Lagaan and some random Abhishek Bachhan movie.
Trivia question: Does any body remember any movie in which he played a role of a young college student? The youngest I can remember him is from Bawarchi, where he played role of eldest brother (Obviously who was nearing his retirement age)

Special Mention
: Suresh Kalmadi, I am sure when my grand kids will be disqualified for Olympics 2090 trial, it will be because the IOC chairman, Mr Kalmadi was pissed at me.

Overachiever of the decade: Jointly shared by SS Das, Vijay Dahiya, Thiru Kumar, Sarandeep Singh who were lucky enough to share the dressing room with Sachin and Dravid.

Special Mention
: RS Sodhi, Rahul Sanghavi, Samir Dighe.

Underachiever of the decade: Bangaroo Lakshman. No he is not younger brother of VVS. He was the president of BJP when he tried to achieve money under the table and was caught in camera.

Special Mention
: Hansie Cronje, Azzu miyan.

Award for recognizing homosexuality in mainstream: Harman Baweja for his buddy dialog in Love Story 2050: "This is a hard one, you have a nice one, take care buddy". Watch the video from 4:27 to 4:32 to believe it.

Special Mention

Celina, not for her lesbian gay group but for what she wears(I mean makeup)

Obvious gyan of the decade
: Sex dossier by coach Gary.

Special Mention
: Sherlyn Chopra telling how going under the knife does no harm to one’s inner most being.

Un-obvious gyan of the decade: Baba Ramdev telling that homosexuality is a disease and he has a cure for it.

Joke of the decade: Arjun Rampal getting National award, that too for acting.

Special Mention
: Narender Hirwani saying Ganguly cut short his career in prime. Sunil Joshi getting IPL contract and actually playing couple of games. Sanjay Bangar being bought out by KKR from Deccan Chargers. The whole existence of Ajit Agarkar.