Sunday, October 25, 2009

Run Dubey Run

(Warning: Long Post)

Flight at 6:30, reached airport at 5:45, yeh I am a genius, perfectly optimized timing. Show ticket at the Kingfisher counter, waiting for the boarding pass. 5 minutes pass, worried look on the attendant's face, "Sir, this flight has departed, it was 6:30 AM flight, you are 12 hrs late for boarding !!"

WHATTTTTT!! How can it be, I am such an idiot, FUCK FUCK FUCK !!!

Okay, cool down, "When does your next flight departs"?

"Tomorrow morning, sir"

"..and partner airlines?"

"There is a Spice jet flight, but its boarding gates just closed"

OMG, what should I do now, my train from Delhi to Kanpur is at 11:30 (or is it 11:40, dunno will check later), anyhow I have to reach Delhi before 10:30 . Diwali season, Dhanteras, mindless shopaholic Delhi traffic, will I be able to reach station in an hour?

Still standing at the boarding pass counter, looking every bit constipated. I need a cigarette NOW. No, No not right time, "What about any other airlines?", I ask

"Sir, our ticketing counter will help you regarding it"

"....and....will I get any refund?", I ask hiding all my embarrassment and still looking like a fool,

"Sir, our ticketing counter will help you regarding it"

Are you guys bots, seriously? Whatever, just goto the fucking counter.

"Hi, I have missed my flight for Delhi, is there any other flight in next 1 hr or so?"

"One minute sir"..."Sorry, there is no Kingfisher or Jet flight, but there is one Air India flight departing at 7:20 PM".

"Perfect, much refund will I get for the missed flight?", my nerves are cooling a little bit

"One minute sir"..."Only Rs 200 will be deducted, rest all will be transferred back"

First good news since what felt as ages

Air India counter, seriously ugly faces. Do they want to scare the customers away?

"Do you have any tickets for next Delhi bound flight?"

I am asked to goto one ugly aunty sitting at the right most corner, let's call her aunty no. 1

"Do you have any seats remaining for Delhi bound flight at 7:30 AM?"

Aunty No. 1: "Domestic?"

"Ya"(Although I wanted to say, "No, the flight bound to Delhi, the country!")

Aunty No. 1: "To fir idhar kyo aa gaye, udhar jao na", pointing to the left most corner, to ugly aunty no. 2

"Dilli ka ticket milega abhi wali flight ka?", I assumed my 100% desi version

Aunty No. 2: "Uski sabhi ticket bik gayi hia"

I wonder whether I can sit near to pilot, it has happened before, and mine is a genuine emergency, but I dare not joke now.

"To ab kya?" , I ask

"There is one international flight transiting at Delhi"

"Give me one for that"

"Goto to that corner"

Ohh...back to aunty no.1

"International flight to Delhi, what time does it departs?"

Aunty No. 1: "8:10"

"...will reach Delhi at?"

"Ummm...", aunty counting on fingers, "8:10, 9:10, 10:10, it will reach at 10:10"

"Perfect, give me one"

Aunty goes to swipe my credit card at godknows what location, comes back after 10 minutes, I see the time of arrival at Delhi Airport , 10:30 PM

"WHATTT, you said 10:10 PM!!"

"Arre, its just official arrival time, it always reaches long before that, dont worry beta"

Whatever !!

Goto AirIndia boarding counter

"Sir, this is International ticket, you have to goto International terminal, thats on the right side straight"

Umm, never knew that, whatever !!

Boarding pass line seems easy, just 5 people ahead of me, they have quite some luggage, but how long can it take, I smile after a long time.

45 minutes pass, My goodness, these people are so slow, and why do they have to take that much lugagge? are they being deported? Shifting base from India? I want an AK-47

Finally at the counter, hand over my ticket. 5 minutes pass, person hitting the keyboard like crazy

"From where did you get this ticket sir?"

I snap, "Fucking 50 meters away from your dumbass counter, what happened now?"

"No sir, there is no reservation entry for your name, No problem, I will make one, this is your boarding pass and this is custom's declaration form"

"What customs? I dont know? It says a lot of things, I have a most of them, will they take it from me? Do I have to pay extra?"

"No sir, its just for official purpose"

Whatever !

Customs, Done. Security, Done. Run towards the smoking lounge.

Ohhhhh, sweet lord, NOW I feel good.

Sister calls, tells that she got her dream job, YIPIEE!!

I tell her I have raped myself, YIPIEEE !!

Panic, panic, panic. Girls panic a lot. She tries to induce some panic in me too. I hang up.

Talk to fellow passengers, bad news, this flight NEVER reaches Delhi before 11.

PANIC, PANIC, PANIC. More cigarette.

Call all the cab guys in Delhi, only one books cab for 10:45 from International airport. Okay I say, I have 45 minutes to reach station, certainly possible.

Boarding starts, inside the airbus

OHHHHHHWHATTHEFUCK!! Are these air hostesses for real, who let them out at this age? They should be nursing their grandkids now. Damn you Air India, now I will have nightmares all through my life. One seriously looks like a man trapped in a female costume. Fuck you Indian government for not implementing age and beauty criteria. This is International flight for god's sakes. Sister calls again. Induces more panic. I snap at her too. Hang up again. Tear the boarding pass.

I love you AirIndia, I am at International arrival at 10:30, I can make it to railway station. Have to go through immigration check. What? Okay!

"Boarding pass?"

"Woh to flight me bhool aya", my face as innocent as a sheep

"To wapas jake leke aao"

"Sir please", more innocence

"Okay, aage se mat karna"

Call the cab guy, "Where are you?"

"Sir, I will reach in 15 minutes, booking was for 10:55 na?"

"No, you idiot, dont bother coming now"

Pre-paid taxi

"Bhaiyya 11:30 ki train hai pahucha dege na?"

"Abhi 11 baj raha hai, nahi ho payega"

"Achha chalo to sahi, dekhte hia"

Cab is a vintage Maruti OMNI, driver knows his ways around Delhi. Good.

Should check what time my train departs, its 11:40 yeh, 10 more minutes of oxygen.

Cab is running smoothly, see even Bajaj scooters are overtaking us.

"Bhaiyya thoda tez chalo"

"Tez hi to chala rahe hia, 60 ke oopar kya bhagegi yeh gaadi"

Panic, cigarette, panic

11:37: Traffic signal at Paharganj, I skip out and run. Check on which platform my train is, 13 the board says, Fuck, why didnt I choose the Ajmeri gate. Can do nothing now, run, run. No cant run, okay walk fast. Yes that can be done.

11:41: Yeh I am infront of my compartment. Made it. Legs ache, heart beats fast, I am smiling ear to ear. Finally accomplished something in past 2 years.

Finally the train departed at 12. Never felt so good about a train being late.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Dalaal: A Mithun-Da Classic

I could never watch this gem of a movie when it was released in 1993. My dad though watched it and I was told that its NOT a movie for kids. After 16 years, now I got chance to visit the earlier forbidden territory and man it was fun.

This is not a regular Mithunda D-grade cinema. It did fairly good business, mostly thanks to the amazingly erotic Gutar Gutar song. The basic premise of the movie is fairly simple. A village bumble, Bhola unknowingly works as a pimp for Jagan (Raj Babbar). His job: To pimp the girl he loves, Roopali. Here the story gets interesting, I thought that Roopali was a pro, but in the end it of the movie it was revealed that she was a virgin (with a price tag of cool 1 million). Now I understand when she was unsupportive of her client (who else but Shakti kapoor), it was not just unprofessionalism.

Story also has a very teen looking Ravi Behal, who is in love with Mithun's sister (whose future in all his movies is same, attempted rape). Infact even Shakti Kapoor, Ravi Behal's father, also tries to rape her but a second later tells her bahu main tumhari raksha karunga. Do hormones act these crazy?

Its not the story that is brilliant, there are very small nuggets that you will remember for your life. Where on the earth would you find Mithun dressed as Subhash Ghai to impress his girl?

While Mithunda was in this get up, he was being chased by traffic cops who wore Navy uniform!! That was innovative!
Also I found out that when producers don't have much budget, they tend to pass their personal cordless phones as police wireless!!
Like the most of late eighties-early nineties movies this movie also informs us that villagers all over India have a lingo which is a simplistic combo of U.P and Bihari lingo. It doesnt matter whether that village was an hour distance from Mumbai, if its a village, it has to have "that" lingo. However if the heroine is from a village, then depending upon her acting credentials, she might or might not speak in the same way as the rest of the villagers. A comcept very well used in this movie.

This movie has it all: A mother who hands gun to her son to kill his characterless father, A timid farmer whose son has gone to city and daughter is kidnapped by goons, A sister who is 16 years old (but looks just about 3 years younger than her mother), A villain who is too strong for 98% of the movie but gives up just at the end. There are too many things to point out. It has everything that was seen in past 2 decades.
For past 16 years I have been thinking that this movie had nudity or some explicit scenes, but like all childhood dreams, this also turned out to be just a dream. Nudity or no nudity, this movie is a must watch if you love to see cliche melodrama.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Why Shiney Why?

Now it is proved that the underage maid was sexually assualted, the question now arises how frustrated a good looking man should be to do it? Shiney, for god's sake you are a bollywood actor, there are numerous struggling actors out there, go be a Shakti Kapoor and offer them some "roles".

I can understand a guy like Tusshar Kapoor not getting even a maid but Shiney you!!!!. Just compare your pic to his:

I still can not fathom how frustrated a man could be when he rapes a maid. Mind it this is coming from an IITian and undoubtebly we are crème de la crème of the frustrated lot.

Shiney you are worse than Shakti Kapoor!!